Cruising Angels


SUMMARY

All aboard the Wayward Angel for a coma-inducing maritime adventure! Bosley is being shown around Charlie's yacht by Pat Justice, an attractive, Bosley-aged interior designer. She's decorated the boat for an upcoming voyage to the Caribbean as per his associate's (Charlie's) wishes, boasting vaguely that their company has interests worldwide. Pat seems charmed.

Back at the office, Tiffany and Kris are on paperwork duty, poring over empty manila folders and referencing non-existent cases. (You can tell they are hard at work because Kris has a pencil in her ear.) Bosley phones, mistaking Tiffany for Kelly (ha ha?) before summoning them all to the marina. When the Angels meet Pat and realize Bosley's trying to impress her, they begin to rudely tease him like a bunch of 8-year-olds;  constant winking, smirking,  exchanging of glances, and patronizing dialogue fill the duration of the scene.

Elsewhere in the marina, Captain Webner (whom Pat has hired for the Angel's voyage) is arguing with someone named Atamien, who you know is a bad guy because he's wearing a leather jacket. It seems Webner has damaged a boat, which messes up their plans for some kind of piracy scheme that already sounds boring. Needing a replacement boat, they nab the Wayward Angel that evening and use it to plunder another yacht. Webner gets stabbed in the shoulder while attacking its crew.

Long about midnight, Bosley and Pat return from a nice soft-focus candlelit dinner to discover the Wayward Angel is gone! He returns to the office to pace while Tiffany and Kris try to help him figure out what happened, still exchanging unwarranted smirks.

By the next day, the yacht has been returned to its slip, and Kris pantomimes mixing test tubes before announcing that she has found blood stains on the deck. Using the log to calculate that the boat was out for 45 minutes, they take it for a spin, trying unsuccessfully to find out where it might have gone.

Next, Poppie from Seinfeld is yelling at some guy named General Ranez about the attack on his boat. He's learned that Captain Webner is to blame, because he visited the harbor doctor for his stab wound. Bosley visits the harbor doctor's office, where he convinces a Little Orphan Annie-wigged nurse that he's a doctor and needs to see Webner's files.

Pat enters a miscellaneous room where Atamien and Webner are waiting - they're all in cahoots for a plot to smuggle gold out of the country. Once left alone, Atamien announces his plan to kill Webner after the scheme is complete, so that he and Pat can retire in paradise together with $7 million. A gross kiss then confirms that the two are an item.

Meanwhile, Poppie and another henchman kill Captain Webner.

Dopey music plays while the Angels, for some reason left alone in control, attempt to dock the boat. Tiff and Kris perform nautical buffoonery and Kelly crashes into the dock. They go into the cellar to assess the damage - aside from several broken bottles of wine, they find the cabinets filled with stacks of unexplained gold bullion. Uh oh!

Everyone deduces that Pat may be to blame, because she was the one who hired Captain Webner. Kelly visits "the sailor hangout" where she talks to a skeevy guy who pets her hair and keeps saying they're cousins. Semi-hostile dialogue of flirting/negotiation meanders boringly until he somehow volunteers Atamien's name. After having spent the whole conversation pushing him away and accusing him of lying,  Kelly suddenly becomes seductive and tells him to wait for her while she goes to powder her nose. (Powder her nose meaning call  Bosley, and then bail.)

Poppie and Ranez kill Atamien.

Alone together aboard the Wayward Angel, Bosley quietly confronts Pat about her involvement in the gold scheme - which he'd only just realized. She drops the act and appears genuinely sorry, but not as sorry as Bosley. Ranez and Poppie appear and hold them both at gunpoint. Just then Kelly calls, and Ranez listens in as she blabbers incriminating things. He takes the phone and warns that he'll kill Bosley if anyone contacts the authorities.

After a commercial break Kelly - er, an artist - stakes out the marina, pretending to draw on an easel yet also openly watching the Wayward Angel with binoculars from 30 feet away. The bad guys load Bosley, Pat, and the gold into an armored van, and the Angels pile into the Pinto to follow, which still seems weird without Sabrina in it.

The bad guys drive their armored truck to a warehouse where, upon arrival, Bosley jumps the driver and makes the truck crash. He grabs Pat and they escape, scurrying off into the warehouse hand-in-hand while Ranez fires shots after them.

Luckily, the fully-loaded Pinto has been idling 10 feet away watching all the action, and eventually the decision is made to crash the gate and give Bosley a hand. Tiffany apprehends a miscellaneous henchman while Kelly and Kris chase after the others. Bosley uses a fire extinguisher to knock down Ranez' sidekick. Victory is short-lived, though; in another moment, he and Pat are trapped like rats in front of a locked door. At the last second, Kelly and Kris draw their guns from some walkway above and stop Ranez from killing them. After a commercial break, the real police show up to cart away the bad guys - Pat has enough class to follow voluntarily. Bosley looks depressed.

Back at the office, Tiffany is perched in an unbelievable position on Bosley's desk as they inform Charlie that his yacht has been impounded for 3 months (tee hee!). Bosley flees the office to avoid being yelled at.

BACKGROUND CHECK

Cruising Angels Episode #80 Season 4, Episode 12 Airdate: Dec 12, 1979 Writer: B.W. Sandefur Director: George McCowan Guest stars: Beverly Garland

WHAT'D YOU THINK?

Rate this episode:

CURIOSITIES

• Kris, what are you doing here?  Opening scene-setting filler recycles stock footage of a girl surfing who they apparently forgot was Kris ('s stunt double) from Angels in Paradise. Remember the black bikini and yellow surfboard? • Those manila folders literally are empty. Plain as day. • This is the only time Bosley ever misidentifies an Angel on the phone - of COURSE it would be Tiffany. Sigh. (And she sounds nothing like Kelly.) • Why is Bosley carrying a bottle of champagne back from the date after giving the girls a speech about how there's iced champagne/wine already on board? • Why would someone stash heavy gold bullion in flimsy little overhead cabinets? The Wayward Angel's construction must've been deceptively strong - with your standard gold brick coming in around 27 lbs, just the gold visible in the single cabinet behind Tiff would weigh over 1,000 pounds. • Since when are they so scientific about bloodstains? Since when does Kris carry around the little forensics field kit? As usual, they're obliterating evidence that the real police should be collecting. • How is Tiffany able to climb up onto the side of the Wayward Angel after it has already gotten several feet too far away from the dock? • If you like to fantasize that this show has any continuity at all, you can pretend they picked Kelly to drive the boat based on established boat-driving skills from Angels in Paradise. (The choice was random. Completely random. You know that.) • Does Kelly personally intend to pay for the wine bottles she broke? How about the hull damage to the Angel she likely caused? • Jaclyn sounds like she has a cold in the "kissing cousins" scene. • Why didn't any of the bad guys have a problem with all 3 Angels sitting right outside their warehouse in the Pinto for several minutes watching their deal go down? In any other episode, a henchman would have come out with a gun to dispatch them. • Why were the Angels able to get the jump on the bad guys inside their own warehouse when they didn't know the layout?  Was it Angel Instinct that told Kris they needed to climb that ladder?

BAD GUYS BEAT DOWN

BIMBOS

SHOTS FIRED AT BOSLEY

SHOTS FIRED BY ANGELS

DAYS TO SOLVE CASE

BOTTLES BROKEN

TURTLENECKS (BOSLEY)

CHARACTER DEATHS

ROMANCE

Guess nothing happened with Willamena the librarian from Angels on Campus two episodes ago - here Bosley embarks upon his second romance of the season. Even if Pat was the bad guy, they actually made a very nice couple, to the point where you sort of hope he might give her a call when she gets out of prison. She did seem to genuinely care for him. This is the last of three times Bosley fell in love with the bad girl, as well as his final romance of the series.

Unfortunately, doomed romances are the only plot they can usually think of to toss Bosley's way when it's his turn for the spotlight - see Angels Ahoy and Angels in Waiting for more. Doesn't Bosley have any hobbies, interests or (male) friends?

FASHION

WHAT? SORRY, I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE BAD GUY'S CREAKY LEATHER JACKET. We'd complain about the way all the characters wear the same thing every day, but maybe that's a good thing, because it makes them easier to keep track of. Really the only thing noteworthy about this episode, fashionwise, is that they deserve credit for conducting an entire nautical episode without any of the Angels wearing anything remotely like swimwear (maybe because nobody wants to film bikini scenes at the marina in November). They show up to the marina in giant sweaters, each more hideous than the last, and Kris is really into swiss braids. After spending most of the episode in casual  outfits, everyone seems overly dressed-up and bouffanted by comparison in the wrap-up scene.

SCREEN TIME ANALYSIS

This is one of only 6 episodes where Bosley has more screen time than any Angel, and it's his second-biggest solo story after Angels In Waiting.

  • KELLY
  • KRIS
  • TIFFANY
  • BOSLEY
  • HOW MUCH OF THE EPISODE HAS AT LEAST ONE ANGEL/BOSLEY IN IT 64%

ACTION

Sorry, girls: Bosley's the hand-to-hand-combat action star of this episode, even if there wasn't much to be had. His action consists of grabbing a fire extinguisher off the wall and throwing it at a bad guy, knocking him down some stairs. Tiff does get to crash through a gate in the Pinto, though!

UNDERCOVER? THAT'S NOT ANY COVER AT ALL

Kelly's sketch artist routine is pretty much the worst stakeout ever. Nevermind her location, the main issue is: exactly how undercover does she think she is? She couldn't make a bigger spectacle of using her giant radio and binoculars, yet also never stops pantomiming her sketching. Even when Kris and Tiff show up and she starts talking to them, she's still drawing random lines on that easel without looking. Does the drawing hide everything else? For the cherry on top, she simply abandons the easel when she's done.

GATE CRASHING

 Once again, the Angels crash through a gate without much thought to whom they might injure or kill on the other side. Luckily Bosley's already out of the way, and only a henchman is hit. Why is it almost always the Pinto that gets used to crash gates?

REPEAT OFFENDERS

Noah Keen (Dr. Post) also played the police Sergeant in Counterfeit Angels and the bank president in Angel on a Roll.

B.W. Sandefur also wrote Cruising Angels, Nips and Tucks, One Love... Two Angels, Waikiki Angels, Moonshinin' Angels, and Attack Angels.

OUR TAKE

Holly's Rating: 2 stars Seeing the Pinto without Bri behind the wheel almost seems like the other Angels are driving her casket around. I find it disturbing. Would it have been so difficult to get Ford to provide another model for their new Angel? I guess.

Secondly, the other thing that stands out in this tedious hour is the forever unchanging Swiss Kris. It's like the hairdressers didn't think it was worth styling her hair this week, so they just left it looking like the lady from 50 First Dates.

50 First Cruises?

Anna's Rating: 5 stars I want to pepperspray Kris and Tiffany. Seriously, why are they acting that way? Their teasing Bosley routine is not cute or funny, just condescending and obnoxious. All the Angels are written this way whenever he expresses any interest in a woman, but this time was the absolute worst.  Kris: Does Bosley dance around smirking and giggling when YOU fall in love every other week, you numbskull? Tiff: I would not be comfy patronizing my new boss that way quite yet. Maybe you'll behave more professionally next year... in Boston.

Every show has a nautical episode and it's usually a flop. This one is so boring that I wrote this review and I still don't really know what the plot is. Fast-forwarding of the many non-Angel scenes is recommended - it seriously doesn't matter. Much as I love Bosley, his romance doesn't have me on the edge of my seat, and even the Angels' scenes are not that great. Easily the highlight would be the boat-crash scene, which contains moments of lighthearted and humorous Angel interplay - a welcome oasis in the desert that is the straight-faced boringness of the rest of the episode. Heave ho!