Avenging Angels

Crime Fighting Girl Scouts? Hardly.

Charlie’s Angels were the good guys, the Girl Scouts, the protagonists. They solved cases, looked out for each other and their clients, even taking in random wayward souls they came into contact with in their daily lives. All six of the Angels were the type of people you would want to stop if you had a flat tire. Kris would give you a ride, Sabrina would get out and fix the flat, Julie would wave down a passing car for help while Tiffany would calculate the likelihood of reaching a service station riding on rims without damaging the frame, and of course Kelly would call the mobile operator. Now Jill?…Well, Jill would probably just keep driving, but hey, 5 out of 6 ain't bad.

The Angels are the good guys…and some good girls…however, if you watch closely you will see another side to being an Angel:


Now don’t get me wrong, the Angels are not going around trying to kill people (well, Kelly did that one time and Julie did as well but still it’s rare) and despite their reputation of being beautiful Girl Scouts with guns, the Angels will enact deadly vengeance on bad guys if certain lines are crossed.

Sometimes bad guys die because the Angels are either defending themselves (Angels in Chains) or the bad guy gets caught and kills himself (The Blue Angels) but more often than not, bad guys will die horrible deaths simply because they attempted to flee from one or more Angels. What makes these situations more distressing is the fact that the Angels are private citizens. They are not police officers, or secret government agents with a license to kill. They are simple, working girls who on occasion punish criminals with fiery, explosive deaths.

Angels in Chains: Jill spearheads the "mashed potatoes" maneuver, thus claiming the Angels' first 2 lives.The first recorded deaths at the hands of an Angel were the Sheriff and deputy in Angels In Chains. Sabrina’s driving skills matched with Jill's resourcefulness resulted in a Potato souffle of doom for that week's bad guys but hey, after falsely arresting all three Angels and Kim Basinger, then attempting to pimp them out as well as raping and murdering Julie-from-The-Love-Boat's-sister…they kind of had it coming.

A few episodes later (Episode #8, Lady Killer) Kelly starts to display the beginnings of her violent streak which would fester and grow resulting in Kelly becoming the Deadliest Angel. Although she does not actually kill her attacker in this episode, she sure gives it the old college try viciously throwing the hapless accountant off the top of an oil tank long after he released her from his not-so-deadly grip. Guess ugly is as ugly does as well, huh, Kel?

In the very next episode (Bullseye) we get the first vengeful Angel kill and the beginning of a very apparent and some might say unfair trend. If an Angel is kidnapped and that Angel happens to be blonde, the bad guys are much more likely to pay with their lives. Here Jill is kidnapped and rescued by Kelly and Bri but simply rescuing Jill is not enough for Ms. Duncan as she takes it upon herself to chase down the fleeing felon (he was in a plane, the Angels pursuing in an Army jeep) and force him to crash into the side of a building killing him…well, maybe not instantly but ... how long does it take to burn to death? Can you imagine the expense report on that case? And Bosley was bitching about dents in the Pinto?

Fast forward to when Jill AND Kris are kidnapped in Season 3’s Angel In A Box, the doomed perp makes the same mistake: He snatches the Munroe sisters, then attempts to get away in a two-seater plane. Kelly and Sabrina are on hand again to make sure he doesn’t live to see another day by shooting out the engine of his plane, thus forcing him into a protracted and somewhat hilarious tailspin to hell. How exactly that played during the wrongful death trial is beyond me but you will notice that Sabrina was not an employee a few episodes later.

Sometimes it is not even a blatant attempt to kill a bad guy, just a certain reckless ambiguity to the outcome of some rather extreme actions. The Angels have, in an attempt to solve a case, broken a bad guy's back. See Kelly's revenge in Dancing in the Dark - and when the moaning victim explains that his back is broken Jill mocks: “Oo, I bet that hurt. Better roll over on your side," which pretty much guarantees permanent spinal damage. Guess she was not paying attention the day the Academy went over the whole don’t-move-people-with-broken-necks-or-backs rule. She logged some extra time on the monkey bars, methinks.

Kris has shot people out of windows (Angel Baby), stuck chewing gum in the barrel of a mini-cannon causing it to backfire (Mother Goose is Running For His life), while Tiffany has pushed bad guys down the stairs (Of Ghosts and Angels).

pinto-gate-crashWhile we are on the topic, Sabrina, Tiffany, and Kris seem to favor this extremely unsafe approach to a rescue mission by driving their cars/trucks straight through gates/walls/warehouse doors without any idea what’s going on on the other side, much less checking to see if anyone (good or evil) may have been standing on the opposite side (Angel in a Box, Cruising Angels, Waikiki Angels)

Oh, I could go on. I mean, Kelly shoots with her eyes closed (pick an episode, any episode) shoots to kill (Angels on Vacation), and shoots just because Sabrina does (Counterfeit Angels). Julie, too, has some well documented excessive aggression (Angel In Hiding, Attack Angels).

It's just pretty remarkable that these non-military private citizens were able to wreak so much havoc on not only their evil foes but the community at large. Yes, even though nobody died, I’m sure the reckless ice cream truck in pursuit of the girl on a skateboard caused some degree of injuries to hapless picnickers in that crowded park.

So to recap - yes, the Angels save lives, and have each other's backs. But Girl Scouts? Hardly. Unless they are trying to get the “Cross me and you're worm food” merit badge. Everyone has their breaking point and if you mess with an Angel, and said Angel is Kelly or a blonde who is not Tiffany ... well, let's just say don’t bother to update your Christmas card list. You will be sending out greetings from hell and not even Anton Karazna can afford postage like that.


Townsend Agency original article by Greg May 30, 2010