Attack Angels

We never realized the whole “Bosley’s a teddy bear” thing was meant quite this literally. Okay, he’s not supposed to take center stage over the Angels, but that shouldn’t mean he has to be a wimp, either. Consider the fact that he was given only 11 action moments over 5 years (and we’re being generous about a couple of those), many of which left him immediately incapacitated on the floor, and we can all agree that Bos was truly robbed in the combat department. 

There are really only two true and good fights which he was allowed to win. In Angels on Ice, he smashed a henchman in the face with his hot dog tray and then punched him down to the ground – people tend to miss this due to watching Sabrina’s simultaneous fight instead. He also secured the honor of the series’ final ass-kicking in Let Our Angel Live, when he took down Kelly’s shooter with a slow-motion kick and a slam in his car door. I guess he just needs to get really mad, like the Incredible Hulk?

While not the most skilled or prolific, Sabrina was a versatile, resourceful, strong, and smart fighter, whose low ranking belies her usually-impressive fighting capabilities. She did not flail into a fight willy-nilly; there was thought and technique behind every blow. Even if she lost the battle overall, Sabrina was likely to do you some damage in the process.

The smart one favored mixing classic Angel fighting technique with a more scrappy street fist-fighting style. A typical opponent needed to look out for right hooks to the face (Strangler) and flurries of impressive punch combinations which would do well in the boxing ring (Run, Stretch). As with Jill, prop improv was another distinct possibility, as the henchman in Vacation learned while getting beaten down with a cane, and as the bad guy realized after being set on fire in Strangler.

Curiously, Sabrina looks the most tense in a fight, as if her fullest concentration is being put to use, but mostly due to it being out of her comfort zone. It’s simply not her category of expertise. This is live action, and her brain is her most often used muscle. She’s the only Angel to lose 2 fights in the same episode. Twice! And Sabrina is also the first Angel to be seen on the losing end of an ass-kicking, getting suckerpunched by Sweetcakes herself in Angels in Chains. But her effort is worthy, even plucky, since she may not even be sure what the outcome will be. She acquits herself bravely and you can almost watch and feel her brain working to maneuver and outmaneuver her opponent.

While Kelly is often cited in fandom (and the show itself) as the toughest Angel when it comes to physical confrontations, the numbers prove this was not actually the case. To be fair, a lot of times when Kelly got owned in a fight it was due more to lazy writing than any real consideration of her character or skills. We were as surprised as you are to learn that the longest-standing Angel only had the second-most fights.

Still, despite her relatively low ranking, the lovely Ms Garrett still managed to kick some serious bad guy (and gal) booty during her years working for Charlie. Unlike most other Angels, she tended to perform better when fighting women than men, taking down much larger female adversaries (Killing, Backfield) and specializing in starting fights with chicks backstage in Vegas (The Vegas Connection, Angels in Vegas) for no other reason than she could. Though everyone used the standardized fight moves (Elbow, Chop, and Flip) at some point, Kelly was the one who relied most heavily upon Angel pseudo-kung fu throughout her tenure, making it her fighting specialty. We’ll even go so far as to name her the founder of the classic Angels fighting style, as she can even be seen performing an Angel Flip at the Police Academy at the beginning of every episode.

Perhaps due to inconsistent writing, Kelly seemed to have an every-other-year pattern of effectiveness. The show’s final season gave her a major comeback in ass-kicking ability, then in an illogical twist, ended things on a low note with a disappointing performance in Attack Angels; the series’ only inter-Angel fight seemed to clearly label Kelly as the least capable of the final trio. Huh?

Although the refined Tiffany Welles is probably the Angel least likely to be remembered for her fighting ability, she did eventually grow and become quite capable of defending herself in physical confrontations. Brace yourself for these surprising facts: 

1. Statistically, Tiff was a better fighter than Kelly, Sabrina, and Julie. Really.

2. She holds a title you thought belonged to Julie: most asses kicked in a single episode. Tiff fought efficiently, owning multiple opponents at a time and kicking a conservative count of 5 asses in Campus.

3. Tiff’s rather demure scuffle in Ghosts resulted in the bad guy falling down the stairs, thus securing her the honor of being the only Angel to (kind of) kill anyone in hand-to-hand combat.

4. She was the only Angel never to lose a fight with a woman. (Although to be fair, she only fought 2, and neither questioned their gender roles, no ma’am. We have a feeling she might not do so well against Zora or Big Aggie.)

Shelley Hack’s usual posing-based action style was far from intimidating, but those Charlie Girl wide-stride skills were put to good use: Tiffany’s secret weapon was a high kick to the bad guy’s face (Truckin’, Campus) which effectively ended and won the confrontation just about every time it was used. With the exception of a single Angel Elbow, Tiff avoided the signature set of Angel pseudo-kung fu moves used so reliably by her predecessors.

Early in her tenure Tiffany was totally owned twice – once tipping over at a wedding for no good reason (Altar) and more famously being gun butted to the jaw (Hunt). Epic fail. Much like Samson before her, her fighting ability and all-around usefulness seemed to depend on her hair. A straight long-haired Tiffany is not being tipped over while playing the violin at a wedding, I can tell you that right now.

Jill double-majors (sorry) in two ass kicking specialties. She was the Angel most likely to implement props from her surroundings into her fights, with a sporty twist – using everything from hubcap Frisbees to rowboat oars to bowling balls in subduing the bad guys. She was also adept at very technical martial arts combinations – though she began with standard Angel pseudo kung fu moves (Seance), she was the only one who seemed to seriously hone her skills and eventually take the karate thing to a level beyond the others. Her battle with future James Bond, Timothy Dalton, on the opera house rooftop during the finale of Fallen Angel is truly the only proper karate fight between Angel and bad guy and, even though we had to call it a draw, should be noted as one of the series’ most awesome and respectable fights.

Yep. She’s not the strongest, she’s not the meanest, she hasn’t even got the most time on the job, but don’t be fooled: Charlie’s littlest and cutest Angel will mess you the #$^% up.

She has fought the most and won the most fights of any Angel, both total and statistically. For these achievements, we wish to officially put Kris on record as Charlie’s Angels’ best fighter.

Kris is the most improved fighter, going from rookie failure to flip a henchman in her first episode (Paradise) to taking on multiple opponents at the same time (Mind). Her fighting kryptonite seemed to be butch henchwomen (Backfield, Springtime) whom she seemed unwilling to engage in combat. To be fair she did eventually overcome this handicap taking on 2 butch bad girls and defeating them in Caged Angel.

The petite Miss Munroe made every ounce count in her takedowns, capturing many a foe with her signature full-body tackle, and was not choosy about when or where. Whether knocking down assassins on ice in front of a full audience (Ice), jumping a sniper at the circus in high heels (Circus), crashing an armed henchman through a glass window (Vegas), leaping from a speeding motorcycle (Teen), or bringing down a terrorist in the middle of a crowded airport terminal (Island), not many bad guys escaped while Kris was on top of her game.

Beyond that, Kris has done it all and done it well, combining the fighting specialties of all the other Angels:

• Like Kelly, she made excellent use of classic Angel pseudo kung fu combinations throughout her career, from a stomp & chop in her 3rd episode Pretty Angels to an elbow & chop all the way in her 85th episode Mr. Galaxy (which, incidentally, was the last Angel ass kicking of the series).

• Like Jill she used environmental props to her advantage (crushing a henchman with a row of lockers in Game or slamming a bad guy across the face with a piece of driftwood in Mind).

• Like Tiffany, she had a strong kick that brought down larger foes (kicking Big Aggie on her ass in Caged, or ending a hypnotized Julie’s violent rampage with a kick to the gut in Attack).

• Like Sabrina she had no problem getting scrappy in a fight, anything from wrestling a bad guy in the mud (Blues) to headbutting her enemy into fire (Pom Pom Angels).

• Add Julie’s ballsiness (wrestling an alligator in Winning) and ability to kick major ass even when not in her right mind (Angel on my Mind) and you’re up against a feisty 5′ 4″ Cheryl Ladd-shaped tornado full of barbed wire.

Show me anything better on TV.